(Suddenly there is a loud bang in the back as Curtis’s wife Janet busts through the door with a gaggle of children in hand. They rush in and then are immediately startled by what they see. There are gasps and screams as Janet and the “helper” Josie try and cover the children’s eyes)
Janet: What is going on here?
Falco: (trying to explain) Janet I can explain! Really I was trying to tell you that today wasn’t a good day to come, and that I don’t think this is something that you should have brought the child-
Janet: you were telling me that this was a children’s play!
Falco: well it involves children
Janet: Oh very funny! We are going to talk about this-
Jonathan: If I may-
Mc. Nan: No you may not! This dear lady is my master piece (she starts to sway and stumble toward Janet) and no one, even some little uptight crumpled down and worn out house wife is going to tell me that I am directing trash. This is one of the greatest projects there is out there, you see the problem is that you are used to seeing crap! Crap crap crap! Theater that doesn’t evoke, theater that doesn’t make you wonder, flat theater that has no room for imagination what so ever! And then you come in here and you think that this is crap? It is because your tiny brain is clouded with nothing but television shows and Oprah merchandise. Get a clue lady. This is real raw bleeding theater. This is where dreams are made. So get your fat ass and ugly children out of my studio.
(Janet is so taken aback that she stands in silence for a moment before realizing that Gloria has stopped speaking)
Janet: I have never-
McNan: Yeah yeah yeah you have never been so taken aback or something of the sort. Use a different vocabulary and evolve monkey
(Janet glares at Curtis and starts to walk off in a huff. Everyone is silent. Gloria looks at Jonathan and starts to walk close to him. He tenses up because he feels that he is in trouble)
Jonathan: I can explain!
McNan: Can you make a drink for me before you do
Falco: Yes ill get you that drink Gloria. Don’t you think that was kinda harsh?
McNan: Harsh is what is in the past my boy, you know nothing about theater if you know a day of it. There are rules. Theater is like WAR. And they don’t serve soggy carrots in war. Where the hell are the good carrots? (Pushes the tray off the table) You see (Jonathan hands her the drink) Thank you, I like you. I think if you weren’t wearing that suit that I would make you the pool boy. I think this show needs a pool boy. (Pause) Where was I?
Jonathan: Pool boy
Falco: Carrots?
McNan: The rules. Theater is a delicate hard process. It is driven into your soul and strips you of any feeling below the waist. But the real thing about truckers is that you don’t know where they go
(Jonathan and Falco slip from her grip and start to talk behind her raving, she continues to rant and rave)
Jonathan: Oh boy are you in trouble with the wife!
Falco: I know I can’t believe that she came here. I knew it would only result in something bad going down. And she brought the damn kids!!
Jonathan: How is she going to explain that to the parents?
Falco: She doesn’t.
(Gloria realizes that no one is listening and starts to talk to Falco and Jonathan again)
McNan: Falco, Rico boys boys you are my boys. But we need to continue even though we had an unpleasant disruption, if you will.
(All of a sudden the door busts open and Josie reappears)
Josie: Uhhh, Curtis, we can’t find a couple of childrenMcNan: (looking around) where is my Robert dear?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
4
Ms. McNan- That’s the spot! Look he’s practicing for the role. Bibbitybobbityboo!
She forgets about Jonathan and Falco. Falco helps Jonathan up. She rushes over to Robert with his pants down. Robert is frozen like a deer in a headlights.
Robert- Ms. McNan, I want to thank you. I have never felt so accepted before.
Jonathan and Falco talk aside.
Falco- This is escalating worse than I thought. We have to kill her this afternoon!
Jonathan- Curtis, I think you have me misunderstood. When you and I got drunk together that one evening, I wasn’t serious about producing that theatrical-docudrama-snuff film.
Falco- Then why’d you hesitate when I said I’d tell everyone about it?
Ms. McNan-Oh boys. I think we’re going to begin filming again, Robert’s stiffened up a bit on the part-y. Oh pardon the pun. FALCO, I’m almost empty. Delinquint? Ha. Genius!
Jonathan- Why do you have to be the one to stop her?
Falco- She’s produced hits before. She’s a moneymaker. The production company wants her to succeed. They’ve given her license to do whatever she wants so she wants to make something controversial. Really the company is going to steal her name, dumb all the graphic parts down, and she’s going to end up hurting some real people in the process!
Jonathan- Animals were hurt in the making of this film.
Falco- Exactly.
Jonathan- So you want me to do what? Take an axe and chop off her head?
Falco- Jonny boy, I’ve always admired you. You know I’ve been trying to make it in this biz as much as Ms. Gloria McNan herself. I want you to kill her, shoot it on film, and then we’ll sell it to the sickos out there.
Jonathan- But-
Falco- But? Nothing. We’ll be doing humankind a service!
Falco’s cell phone rings. He answers.
Falco- Hello? Yeah. No. No. Not a good time honey. We’re in the middle of shooting. No. No. No. I can’t have that happening. Just a sec. (to Jonathan, he pulls papers out of a binder) Look at this.
Jonathan- What’s this?
Falco- Just look at it. (back to phone) yeah. No, absolutely not.
Ms. McNan- I really think I’m likey liken your style, Robert. Let’s get warmed up at the computer again.
Robert- Okay.
Jonathan-(reading) Robert McCaffrey, convicted felon, three accounts of sexual assault,
Robert- (typing) I would want you to come over here.
Ms. McNan- Yes, say to the studio theater on the west lot.
Falco- (defeated) Alright.
Jonathan- Wow, this guy is fucked up.
Falco- This is bad.
Jonathan- He does women, children, men, and animals. Animals will be harmed in the making of this film! What is it?
Falco- My wife is bringing her group over for a theater tour. She thought it’d be fun. My wife doesn’t take no for an answer when she gets an idea. League of Women Voters watch out!
Jonathan- League of Women Voters, what do they do?
Falco- It’s a bunch of women who talk about how great woman’s suffrage is. It’s nothing but an excuse to drink coffee and play games and gossip.
Robert- The boy said he’d come over here. He did.
Ms. McNan- Falco, get over here. I need three cameras set up in Robert’s dressing room for a private sessession.
Falco- Sessession?
Ms. McNan- French for get me a drink and do what I say. I love my life.
She forgets about Jonathan and Falco. Falco helps Jonathan up. She rushes over to Robert with his pants down. Robert is frozen like a deer in a headlights.
Robert- Ms. McNan, I want to thank you. I have never felt so accepted before.
Jonathan and Falco talk aside.
Falco- This is escalating worse than I thought. We have to kill her this afternoon!
Jonathan- Curtis, I think you have me misunderstood. When you and I got drunk together that one evening, I wasn’t serious about producing that theatrical-docudrama-snuff film.
Falco- Then why’d you hesitate when I said I’d tell everyone about it?
Ms. McNan-Oh boys. I think we’re going to begin filming again, Robert’s stiffened up a bit on the part-y. Oh pardon the pun. FALCO, I’m almost empty. Delinquint? Ha. Genius!
Jonathan- Why do you have to be the one to stop her?
Falco- She’s produced hits before. She’s a moneymaker. The production company wants her to succeed. They’ve given her license to do whatever she wants so she wants to make something controversial. Really the company is going to steal her name, dumb all the graphic parts down, and she’s going to end up hurting some real people in the process!
Jonathan- Animals were hurt in the making of this film.
Falco- Exactly.
Jonathan- So you want me to do what? Take an axe and chop off her head?
Falco- Jonny boy, I’ve always admired you. You know I’ve been trying to make it in this biz as much as Ms. Gloria McNan herself. I want you to kill her, shoot it on film, and then we’ll sell it to the sickos out there.
Jonathan- But-
Falco- But? Nothing. We’ll be doing humankind a service!
Falco’s cell phone rings. He answers.
Falco- Hello? Yeah. No. No. Not a good time honey. We’re in the middle of shooting. No. No. No. I can’t have that happening. Just a sec. (to Jonathan, he pulls papers out of a binder) Look at this.
Jonathan- What’s this?
Falco- Just look at it. (back to phone) yeah. No, absolutely not.
Ms. McNan- I really think I’m likey liken your style, Robert. Let’s get warmed up at the computer again.
Robert- Okay.
Jonathan-(reading) Robert McCaffrey, convicted felon, three accounts of sexual assault,
Robert- (typing) I would want you to come over here.
Ms. McNan- Yes, say to the studio theater on the west lot.
Falco- (defeated) Alright.
Jonathan- Wow, this guy is fucked up.
Falco- This is bad.
Jonathan- He does women, children, men, and animals. Animals will be harmed in the making of this film! What is it?
Falco- My wife is bringing her group over for a theater tour. She thought it’d be fun. My wife doesn’t take no for an answer when she gets an idea. League of Women Voters watch out!
Jonathan- League of Women Voters, what do they do?
Falco- It’s a bunch of women who talk about how great woman’s suffrage is. It’s nothing but an excuse to drink coffee and play games and gossip.
Robert- The boy said he’d come over here. He did.
Ms. McNan- Falco, get over here. I need three cameras set up in Robert’s dressing room for a private sessession.
Falco- Sessession?
Ms. McNan- French for get me a drink and do what I say. I love my life.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
3
Gloria Mc. Nan bursts out of the dressing room in a bewildered stooper. She is drunk and flailing her arms about. She is mumbling and it becomes prominent as she gets closer to Falco.
G. Mc Nan: Dear god! Why is it always I who has to work with these, these delinquents who just philander them selves around this city. Who have no more respect than a horse’s asshole pinning donkeys down? Where did this city run off to? How did it get this dismal out here? You see it was never like this. You see, listen I am trying to tell you something boy. Jesus keep yourself together I don’t have all day. Now what was I saying?
Falco: He has been trying to get Jonathan out of the set room without Gloria’s notice. He is shooing him off the set. He makes eye contact with Gloria right as she asks him the question. Uh, you were talking about the the republic of China’s great influence on American society today?
G. Mc Nan: Dear god boy. You do know exactly what I am thinking everyday of my life. You are like the second breath of life that I am breathing at this very moment children are dying because they are being sucked down into machines and child labor is at an all time high. It is just a disgusting state of affairs sometimes. (Pause) Now, where in Gods great name is my drink. You are good at finishing sentences but you are not good at following directions. I mean Christ boy, how many times do I need to say that I ABSOLUTELY MUST have a drink in my hand at all times? Must we go on and on about this dead topic?
Falco: (Springs into action and trying to find her a drink, he takes a detour to get close to Jonathan. Whispering) what the hell are you doing?
Jonathan: I’m stuck here there is no exit on this side!
Falco: Oh! Shit, you have to cross to the other side to get out.
Jonathan: Yeah, I got that. How the hell am I going to get out???
Falco: I will create a diversion (starts to run off)
Jonathan: (grabs his arm and pulls him back) you were right about her being drunken and crazed.
G. Mc Nan: Fal!!!!!! where the hell have you run off to. I asked for a simple drink how long is it going to take you?
Falco: (running up with a glass) here, sorry here yeah I got stuck in the wing. Didn’t want to spill it and whatever.
G. Mc Nan: Great. Now, (she looks around while she takes a drink) Where is that disgusting man who can’t act worth shit?
Falco: (sputtering and at a loss for words) Uh, yeah, I wanted to- well ask you- talk about (suddenly there is a giant crash, Falco looks toward the wing, Gloria stiffens up)
G. Mc Nan: What the hell was that?
Falco: uh hum I don’t know either (Gloria runs over to the wing and discovers Jonathan on the floor)
Jonathan: The damn light fell on me-
G.Mc Nan: (To Falco) Who is this? (To Jonathan) Who are you?
Jonathan: I can explain
Falco: Nothing-
G. Mc Nan: Well, you best explain
Jonathan: Ms Mc Nan I am a lawyer-
G. Mc Nan: I don’t care if you’re a tomato
Falco: He is no one really-
Johnathan: I’m really more than no one-
G. McNan: Out with it I don’t have time for this!
(Jonathan tries to get up but slips on a curtain and anther curtain falls to revile Robert in his dressing room on the internet with his pants down.)
G. Mc Nan: Dear god! Why is it always I who has to work with these, these delinquents who just philander them selves around this city. Who have no more respect than a horse’s asshole pinning donkeys down? Where did this city run off to? How did it get this dismal out here? You see it was never like this. You see, listen I am trying to tell you something boy. Jesus keep yourself together I don’t have all day. Now what was I saying?
Falco: He has been trying to get Jonathan out of the set room without Gloria’s notice. He is shooing him off the set. He makes eye contact with Gloria right as she asks him the question. Uh, you were talking about the the republic of China’s great influence on American society today?
G. Mc Nan: Dear god boy. You do know exactly what I am thinking everyday of my life. You are like the second breath of life that I am breathing at this very moment children are dying because they are being sucked down into machines and child labor is at an all time high. It is just a disgusting state of affairs sometimes. (Pause) Now, where in Gods great name is my drink. You are good at finishing sentences but you are not good at following directions. I mean Christ boy, how many times do I need to say that I ABSOLUTELY MUST have a drink in my hand at all times? Must we go on and on about this dead topic?
Falco: (Springs into action and trying to find her a drink, he takes a detour to get close to Jonathan. Whispering) what the hell are you doing?
Jonathan: I’m stuck here there is no exit on this side!
Falco: Oh! Shit, you have to cross to the other side to get out.
Jonathan: Yeah, I got that. How the hell am I going to get out???
Falco: I will create a diversion (starts to run off)
Jonathan: (grabs his arm and pulls him back) you were right about her being drunken and crazed.
G. Mc Nan: Fal!!!!!! where the hell have you run off to. I asked for a simple drink how long is it going to take you?
Falco: (running up with a glass) here, sorry here yeah I got stuck in the wing. Didn’t want to spill it and whatever.
G. Mc Nan: Great. Now, (she looks around while she takes a drink) Where is that disgusting man who can’t act worth shit?
Falco: (sputtering and at a loss for words) Uh, yeah, I wanted to- well ask you- talk about (suddenly there is a giant crash, Falco looks toward the wing, Gloria stiffens up)
G. Mc Nan: What the hell was that?
Falco: uh hum I don’t know either (Gloria runs over to the wing and discovers Jonathan on the floor)
Jonathan: The damn light fell on me-
G.Mc Nan: (To Falco) Who is this? (To Jonathan) Who are you?
Jonathan: I can explain
Falco: Nothing-
G. Mc Nan: Well, you best explain
Jonathan: Ms Mc Nan I am a lawyer-
G. Mc Nan: I don’t care if you’re a tomato
Falco: He is no one really-
Johnathan: I’m really more than no one-
G. McNan: Out with it I don’t have time for this!
(Jonathan tries to get up but slips on a curtain and anther curtain falls to revile Robert in his dressing room on the internet with his pants down.)
Friday, March 2, 2007
2
Falco, another!
Falco: But you just-
Ms. McNan: I don’t care! Now! I’ll be in my office!
She exits with a flourish. Falco doesn’t move. Jonathan enters.
Falco: (to Robert) You can take five until-
Robert: Doesn’t she want me to talk to this boy?
Falco: Yeah, yeah, but not right now.
Jonathan: Curtis, what’s going on?
Falco: Can you go wait in your dressing room?! Please! Take the cheetos!
Robert exits
Jonathan: Curtis, why’d you call me?
Falco: I’ve done a really, really bad thing, Jonathan.
Jonathan: What is it?
Falco: You know how I always work myself into tight spots?
Jonathan: What’d you do?
Silence
Falco: I hired an actual pedophile to play a pedophile for Gloria McNan’s new reality-docu-film drama play. And this guy is really preying on kids!
Jonathan: What?!
Falco: And she’s lost it. She’s an alcoholic! She has no artistic integrity anymore. She stumbles around, mis-using words, and thinks she’s got the next hit on her hands. She thinks this Robert is bad at playing a pedophile, but he’s an actual pedofile! So I need you-
Jonathan: I’m leaving, Curtis!
Falco: You can’t! No. No. No. You leave and everybody will know what controversial play you are planning on producing. The censors will have you shut down so fast.
Jonathan: Shhh! (pause) What do you want me to do?
Falco: We have to have Ms. McNan killed.
Jonathan: What?
Falco: I think this will fit in nicely with your play, don’t you think?
Silence
Falco: But you just-
Ms. McNan: I don’t care! Now! I’ll be in my office!
She exits with a flourish. Falco doesn’t move. Jonathan enters.
Falco: (to Robert) You can take five until-
Robert: Doesn’t she want me to talk to this boy?
Falco: Yeah, yeah, but not right now.
Jonathan: Curtis, what’s going on?
Falco: Can you go wait in your dressing room?! Please! Take the cheetos!
Robert exits
Jonathan: Curtis, why’d you call me?
Falco: I’ve done a really, really bad thing, Jonathan.
Jonathan: What is it?
Falco: You know how I always work myself into tight spots?
Jonathan: What’d you do?
Silence
Falco: I hired an actual pedophile to play a pedophile for Gloria McNan’s new reality-docu-film drama play. And this guy is really preying on kids!
Jonathan: What?!
Falco: And she’s lost it. She’s an alcoholic! She has no artistic integrity anymore. She stumbles around, mis-using words, and thinks she’s got the next hit on her hands. She thinks this Robert is bad at playing a pedophile, but he’s an actual pedofile! So I need you-
Jonathan: I’m leaving, Curtis!
Falco: You can’t! No. No. No. You leave and everybody will know what controversial play you are planning on producing. The censors will have you shut down so fast.
Jonathan: Shhh! (pause) What do you want me to do?
Falco: We have to have Ms. McNan killed.
Jonathan: What?
Falco: I think this will fit in nicely with your play, don’t you think?
Silence
1
The curtain only partly opens. Scene opens with a man sitting in a small room. There is clutter everywhere in the room; piles of books papers garbage. The man sits at his computer at his desk. He is online and chuckles as he reads. He is over Forty and overweight. He talks to himself as he sits. The audience can hear voices whispering in the background.
Man: so juicy, juicy, succulent, delectable little boys (He types as he speaks) what color swim trunks do you have? (Pause) That’s my favorite color! Really? (smiles) that’s what I like to do too! We are so similar. Almost the same person. Yeah, second grade is great. How is your class? (He licks his fingers free of cheeto resin) When can I see you? boys, boys boys boys you should be careful of crazy people? Oh shit! Not question mark. I mean- (he types) how old did you say you were again? 8 is a perfect age! BRB(He stands and goes to the kitchen to get more food. On his way back he trips on a chord and some lights turn off.)
The second part of the curtain opens to the director the assistant and the film crew.
Ms. McNan: (To Falco her assistant) Where did you get this man?
Falco: I-
Ms. McNan: Forget it- Robert; yes do stand please get off the floor. It was brought to my attention that you have never acted before which is unfortunate for me. However, I make things work, and this film is going to work if it ends up killing me which it most likely will it is going to work. Do I make myself clear?
Robert: Y-
Ms. McNan: Good. I would like you to try harder in this scene. Really you are after this boy that you are talking to over the internet. I need you to be more creepy about it. get into the mind of the forty-year-old-boy-stalker. Be that man. Let the whole essence of his being encompass you on your journey. Maybe you need to- I don’t know- watch some creepy old disgusting man sitting at his computer jacking off to talking to boys on line- to really understand how they operate. Do you understand this?
Robert is back at the desk trying to talk to the boy again
Ms.McNan: What in gods name are you doing?
Robert: I –I well, I really, I dono, I really like this boy, I don’t wanna umm well umm not be able to talk to him?
Ms.McNan stares at him with angry eyes. She looks as if she is about to explode
Ms.McNan: (under her breath) dear god Christ of all trades (louder) Who in Gods name do you think you are?
Falco: I think we might need a break-
Ms.McNan: Excellent idea. (Everyone scatters out of the space) Fuck get me a gin stat. That’s a ten minute break people nothing more nothing less. Report back on time this time I do NOT have time for dilly and dallious people in this production. Jesus why do I always work with such morons Falc? I mean I AM a respectable woman despite what everyone thinks about this past dispute or unpleasantness. Is it not my business to direct or carry my life in whatever direction need be? Will I be punished for this the rest of my days? Where is the good lord? Where is my damn drink? (Falco appears and hands her the drink she drinks it in one fall swoop, then waves her hand beckoning for another) I was born through the gates of heaven into this glorious profession. I will not be slandered or slithered upon like the great snakes of westingly. I will not give into the feather bed melons that they think upon me. I am the greatest living welcome anyone could ask of. (The second drink comes and she drinks it like the last one)
Man: so juicy, juicy, succulent, delectable little boys (He types as he speaks) what color swim trunks do you have? (Pause) That’s my favorite color! Really? (smiles) that’s what I like to do too! We are so similar. Almost the same person. Yeah, second grade is great. How is your class? (He licks his fingers free of cheeto resin) When can I see you? boys, boys boys boys you should be careful of crazy people? Oh shit! Not question mark. I mean- (he types) how old did you say you were again? 8 is a perfect age! BRB(He stands and goes to the kitchen to get more food. On his way back he trips on a chord and some lights turn off.)
The second part of the curtain opens to the director the assistant and the film crew.
Ms. McNan: (To Falco her assistant) Where did you get this man?
Falco: I-
Ms. McNan: Forget it- Robert; yes do stand please get off the floor. It was brought to my attention that you have never acted before which is unfortunate for me. However, I make things work, and this film is going to work if it ends up killing me which it most likely will it is going to work. Do I make myself clear?
Robert: Y-
Ms. McNan: Good. I would like you to try harder in this scene. Really you are after this boy that you are talking to over the internet. I need you to be more creepy about it. get into the mind of the forty-year-old-boy-stalker. Be that man. Let the whole essence of his being encompass you on your journey. Maybe you need to- I don’t know- watch some creepy old disgusting man sitting at his computer jacking off to talking to boys on line- to really understand how they operate. Do you understand this?
Robert is back at the desk trying to talk to the boy again
Ms.McNan: What in gods name are you doing?
Robert: I –I well, I really, I dono, I really like this boy, I don’t wanna umm well umm not be able to talk to him?
Ms.McNan stares at him with angry eyes. She looks as if she is about to explode
Ms.McNan: (under her breath) dear god Christ of all trades (louder) Who in Gods name do you think you are?
Falco: I think we might need a break-
Ms.McNan: Excellent idea. (Everyone scatters out of the space) Fuck get me a gin stat. That’s a ten minute break people nothing more nothing less. Report back on time this time I do NOT have time for dilly and dallious people in this production. Jesus why do I always work with such morons Falc? I mean I AM a respectable woman despite what everyone thinks about this past dispute or unpleasantness. Is it not my business to direct or carry my life in whatever direction need be? Will I be punished for this the rest of my days? Where is the good lord? Where is my damn drink? (Falco appears and hands her the drink she drinks it in one fall swoop, then waves her hand beckoning for another) I was born through the gates of heaven into this glorious profession. I will not be slandered or slithered upon like the great snakes of westingly. I will not give into the feather bed melons that they think upon me. I am the greatest living welcome anyone could ask of. (The second drink comes and she drinks it like the last one)
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