25

(A bathroom with the shower running. It is Annie’s dormroom, her name has been changed to protect her. It is a college girls bathroom with stuff all over the vanity. The steam is covering the mirror and someone in the shower is singing along with the song on the radio. There is laughing.)
Annie: Because we are living in a material world and I am a uh uh uh material material- boys may come and boys may go! Yo! And I am a material a material a material a material a material a material woooorrrrllllddd!
(Enter Porche one of annie’s roommates)
Porche: hey material girl, you know I don’t want to interrupt your little fantacy and all but I think this material girl is using up all the hot water
Anniet: sorry I’m going to get out right now
(Porche goes to leave but stops in the doorway)
Porche: so theres nothing going on with you and that boy?
Annie: nope
Porche: Really? Are you sure?
Annie: Yeah I don’t think he even likes me I think it was just something silly means nothing
Porche: Ok Cloe if you say so…
Annie/Cloe: yeah I’m sure he doesn’t like me
Porche: What makes you think he doesn’t like you?
Cloe: because…
Porche: yeah I think you are lying
Cloe: i-I’m…no…nope
Porche: Yeah right there (she pulls the curtain back and reviels Trevor and Annie in the shower) Ho ho ho!
Cloe: (Screams) Porche (Trevor covers his junk)
Porche: I think you like him because you are in the shower with him, that’s why I think you like him
Cloe: I can explain
Porche: he isn’t like your brother or something is he?
Cloe: (offended) no!
Trevor: no!
Porche: Oh and he talks! So tell me why you two cant be together and so you sneek shower times!
Cloe: ok but can I get dressed please!
Porche: fine but I’m going to be waiting I have to got check something downstairs(Porche exits)
Cloe: Holy crap!
Trevor: its ok baby she isn’t going to tell anyone I don’t think she got a good look at me
Cloe: I’m not even supposed to be seeing you, its too risky
Trevor: I know but I’m mad about you and your mad about me lost in your eyes mad about love mad about you you and iiiiiiii! (he starts dancing)
(Annie starts to laugh)
Annie: god I love you!
Trevor: don’t worry we will figure it out….hold me now its hard for me to say im sorry!
Annie: I just want you to stay
Trevor: after all that weve been through ill make it up to you, I promise you!
(They both start to laugh)
Annie: ok but seriously she might come back up and we will be in big trouble. What are we going to say.
Trevor: (thinks) maybe I’m a hard core drug addict and that’s why you cant see me, im too bad for you baby
Annie: no you are too good for that
Trevor: I’m a serial killer and I only hunt college girls
Annie: that’s weird don’t say that! We aren’t supposed to see each other
Trevor: I know but it is too hard for me not to see you and now when I do see you it is sooo hard
Annie: (blushes) Trevor!
Trevor: ok but my real name is Alex and I’m actually 55 years old and trying to get you to be my personal porn star.
Annie: that doesn’t sound so far from the truth (Hears Porche on the stairs) hide in the closet then run into the bedroom and hide go go go!
(Trevor ducks out as Porche enters)
Porche: Ok where did he go?
Cloe: He had to go, tests tomorrow and what not
Porche: no he didn’t go I was downstairs I would have- (sees something on the counter) what is this?
Cloe: nothing (snatches it)
Porche: a pregnancy test?? Are you pregnant?
Cloe: no, maybe….i don’t know
Porche: ok what is going on Cloe?? Seriously I care about you, I don’t want to see you get hurt, who is this guy?
Cloe: just some guy I met
Porche: well I know he doesn’t go to our campus
Cloe: I know he goes somewhere else
Porche: Where?
Cloe: Port Chester
Porche: (Squints her eyes) ok well then why are you hiding him?
Cloe: I’m not hiding him- I just didn’t think you would be home this early
Porche: what are you trying to protect- (gasps) ohhh my god! Is he with some other girl and now you are pregnant with his kid????? Ohhhh Cloe no!
Cloe: yep that is totally it
Porche: I know I have a sick sense for this kind of thing you know
(Cloe nodding)
Porche: Ohh my god! I cant believe him! I’m totally going to kick his ass when I see him- does the other girl know about you? of course not but you know about her…
Cloe: i-uhh cant really tell her though…she has three kids
Porche: (Freaking out more) NO! yes this dude is a total asshole! I cant believe you like him Cloe what is wrong with you?
Cloe: I didn’t really-
Porche: You didn’t really want to have sex with him and he forced you??? OHH MY GOD! (Door opens and another roommate Terra comes in)

24: Explosive Results

On one side of an exploded building.

Gloria: What you do is call in a bomb threat as a tiddly-wink diversion. You stand not to far from where you called it. You watch as the swat team comes in. Swoops in.

DR: And?

Gloria: Then when they’re all inside. You press detonate!

DR: Excellent.

Gloria: Then the police will come and the others too, the fat ones, the skinny ones, and all the dumb ones who love spectacle and while they sit fat on their arses watching, we go commit a larger crime. Get me, pookie?

DR: Of course.

On the other side of the exploded building amidst chaos.

Annie: When is this nightmare going to end? When?

Jonathan: When we’re dead or when Gloria gets what she wants.

Trevor: Can’t we kill her?

Jonathan: I tried once. She’s like a ghost.

Annie: We need to know her weakness. But what about the movie reels?

Trevor: What about them?

Annie: Weren’t they in there?

Trevor: No, my friend Corey has them.

Annie: Don’t speak that out loud. Oh no there’s, Robert. We have to go.

Jonathan: We’ll have to go to Curtis Falco, he’s a trusted friend. I’ll take you to him now. He is kind of the leader of us.

Trevor: Nobody is the leader of me. God I just want to relax and read a book.

Jonathan: We can’t relax now.

Suddenly Trevor goes into violent spasms and disappears into thin air.

Annie: TREVOR!

On the other side of the building. Robert comes crawling from the flames.

Robert: They got their ropes untied and locked me in a closet.

Gloria: I was worried, toodles, that you were dead.

Robert: You don’t look very worried.

DR: Shhhh. Gloria is very tired. She just tried her first incantation since breaking into the magic wing.

Gloria: If it worked right, ma cherie Trevor should be back at FEMJINA INC. in the lab.

Robert: What did you say?

Gloria: Bibbity-Booobity-Bome. Make the boy in question go to his rightful home.
And then I do the secret move and it should work.

A dance competition. Alisa is being cheered off the stage. Roses, Flowers, and Chocolates are being tossed to her. Her Mom runs up and hugs her. Then she speaks to the audience.

Mom: I just want to say my daughter has worked so hard on this routine. Thank you for bringing us here in this competition.

Spectator: Your daughter is hot!

Spec. 2: So are you!

Mom: (blushes) Thank you.

Spec 3: Show us your titties!

Mom: I don’t think that’ll be happening today. Margaret and I are very tired. Aren’t you Margaret?

Alisa: Yes, I am, but thank you for all our support.

The crowd goes wild. Amidst the cheering, this follows somewhat overlapping:

Spec: You’re awesome!

Spec 3: Margaret, you’re magical. Awesome. Spectacular

Spec 5: I wanna dance like you. Do you teach lessons?

Mom: Margaret and I are thinking of opening our own studio. But I assure you it’s not magic. It’s. . .

In the center of the stage, Trevor reappears in front of the whole crowd. Dead silence for a second and then an uproar.

Mom: The hell with it. It’s magic. (to Alisa, quietly) We have to get him out of here.

23

The curtain is pulled and the stage is sectioned into an upper half and a lower half. The lights are constantly changing while the actors run across the stage in a five minute interlude. As the chasing becomes more and more intense the actors start to make sounds of screaming and fear. From the side Alisa starts to dance onto stage as in the background the characters still chase themselves. She continues to dance as some of the people get caught and start to tie each other up. Alisa keeps dancing. The swat team comes in and then the lights go out and there is a huge explosion.

22: Blood Bath

Annie and Trevor appear groggy. Gloria walks right up to them and puts her face about two inches from their faces.

Gloria: Rise and shine! Mommy’s here to wake you!

Trevor backs into a corner. Annie screams through the gag. DR. laughs. Robert holds the knife above Annie’s heart.

Robert: Do you want me to do it?

Gloria: Not yet. We have some fanciful stuff to talk to these two about. Besides I told you to kill her already and you didn’t, so might as well wait now.

Robert: Fuck waiting.

He slams the knife down. Annie has moved at the opportune time and he slices through her hand ties. She does a roll and rolls out from under the lumbering, fat Robert. Her legs are still tied and she has a gag on. Everyone watches intently. Annie hops up onto her feet –many years of gymnastics helped with this- and makes her way into a corner of the basement lab room.

Gloria: Get her! I said, Get her! Or I’ll get you!

Robert: I’m trying.

DR. G stands up. He pulls a pistol out of the desk. Meanwhile Trevor has managed to get the gag off. Nobody is watching him. Gloria starts unbuttoning her blouse. There are footsteps approaching outside the door.

Gloria: Get the door!

DR. G runs over to the door and pushes it closed just as it starts to open. Annie hops over to where DR. G is and grabs his mid-section and starts to pull on him to allow the door to open.

Robert: What should I do? What should I do?

Gloria: Can’t you get a kid down in the dirt? Can’t you?

She starts to unbutton her blouse. Trevor uses his teeth to untie his hands. Then he works on his feet. Robert stabs a few times trying to hit her, but misses. Annie uses DR. G as an anchor and then jumps up with her legs and kicks Robert across the room. He hits Gloria and she flies backwards hitting Trevor who is free. Annie notices the pistol sticking out of G’s pants and grabs it. She points it on Gloria and Robert. DR G grabs her from behind and the gun goes off. The door flies open and pushes DR G to the floor. Robert has been grazed in the ear. Blood spurts out. He screams. Annie steps to the side. Trevor buttons his mother’s blouse.

Trevor: Don’t even think about using those sick teetons!

Outside the door, three people walk in. Belle Peabody, and her two henchmen. They walk slowly unafraid and observe the room. Blood and bodies litter it everywhere.

Belle: Well, Well, well, Gloria. I should have known it was you. Put the gun down, child.

Annie: (shouting) NO!

Belle: They taught you well in that rape class. Now put the gun down.

Belle waves her arm and magically, Annie drops the gun.

Annie: What the-

When the gun hits the ground, it shoots and grazes Robert’s leg. He screams again and blood comes from a new wound.

Belle: What do you have to say for yourself, Gloria?

Gloria: Nothing, Belle Peabody. Nothing at all. What did you come to tell me? Or do to me?

Belle: Oh, nothing. I came down here to congratulate you on a job well done. It’s only taken you fifteen years to produce this movie and now it’s about done. I want the reels to the film.

Trevor: You are to say nothing about the people she’s killed?

Belle: What people?

Silence. Bloody bodies litter the place.

Belle: I’m concerned with movies, Trevor. Where are the reels to the film?

Gloria: Yes, where are they?

Trevor: I will give them to you on one condition.

Gloria/Belle: What’s that?

Trevor: You let me and Annie go.

Gloria: No!

Belle: Yes. You must go, go now. Please leave. I trust you will find your way out of here and then you will leave the reels of film in an undisclosed location. If not, we will kill you.

Annie and Trevor run out of the lab unscathed.

DR: Why did you do that?

Robert: Those fucking kids-

Belle: Calm yourselves. There are others associated with this project who have not been killed yet. One Jonathan Brewster, Curtis Falco, and a certain league of women voters who have to be hunted down and killed. When this film is released, we want nobody talking about it. . .or I’m not Belle Peabody. Come along. (pause, turns back for a second) And Gloria, I leave all of that up to you. Congratulations on becoming the new President of Femjina Inc.

Gloria: But you’re still in charge, how can I be the master of all?

Belle: Masters always have to answer to someone. And don’t you forget it.

She and her guards exit.

Gloria: Don’t worry, my men, once they are dead, she will be dead too.

The three of them laugh.

21

Off stage screams can be heard in random order. There is much rustling and then dragging sounds from stage right. Dr G is seated at the desk and Gloria is pacing the room looking for things in the air to bring more light to the subject. The sounds of dragging become closer then stop as the lights come up on the doctor and Gloria in the room. Gloria paces and mutters to herself when she is not answering the doctor.
Gloria: (muttered) in the plan yes yes it was all in the plan and now…
Dr. G: lovely?
Gloria: Not now you twit
Dr. G: Well dear I just think we should talk about this, there are so many possibilities
Gloria: yes I know there are so many possibilities do you take me for a commoner?
Dr. G: Well, no
Gloria: good then don’t ask me stupid questions that I already know (continues to pace)
Dr. G: I just want to know what you think we are going to do with all these bodies and then all the people who are going to rally outside and then maybe about Robert who is out to kill Trevor because he is deeply in love with you, which I don’t get. I don’t really get that at all I mean was there something between you two?
Gloria: you already know the answer to that
Dr. G: yes I know you have told me that you shared a bed and nothing more. But my thoughts have been thinking that there was something more. That you are Robert were-
Gloria: (Enraged) not another word out of your mouth or I will have you silenced forever. Do you read me? are you catching this? Because doctor this is big- (his face turns green) what? What is that smell?(she turns to find Robert in the doorway)
Robert: no no no young Glorit my darling. Not another word of our secrets together. Not another thing or it will ruin everything. I mean you have ruined most of it already. Now sit down or I will have my hunting knife sit you down for you. (Gloria sits) now, I brought someone that I think you might want to see again. I think you remember this man. But first I want to bring in your son- well one of your sons. (Trevor is dragged in by his feet he is bound and gagged and unconscious.) Oh he will be fine. Give the boy some room. (Then he brings in Annie who is also bound and gagged and unconcious) and what would one child be without the other child. Dr. G looks at Gloria.
Dr G: other child?
Robert: DON’T INTERUPT ME I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE INTERUPT me. yes darling Annie is one of Gloria’s children. Oh you didn’t know? She fathered or should I say mothered an army.
Gloria: An army is really an exaggeration
Robert: NO it isn’t. really I just wanted some more love. The kind of love that you used to give me. the kind of love that we had when we started out-
Gloria: that kind of love doesn’t exist anymore. That kind of love is drained from us. We are no longer an us anymore. We are no longer the army that we talked about. That dream is gone from-Robert: well it doesn’t need to be gone you know that. You can still love me I can change- (Trevor and Annie start to wake up)

20: Gloria becomes President of FEMJINA INC.

Gloria: So fancy that my little pig droppings.

Robert: You’ve given me everything, Gloria. Freedom. You’ve given me complete freedom to live the life that I want. I have a lot of little boys to play with and you have fed me, clothed me, and housed me. You have even saved me from the police.

Gloria: The pigs will never be involved with FEMJINA. They will never know how it floats or how it gloats. FEMJINA is in the forest and underground. You are safe, Robert, as long as you do exactly what I want. So remember that little speech you gave me, because it is what I will use to tell you how you have remained out of the gutter this far.

Robert: But now there is something I want.

Gloria: What is that?

Robert: You. I want to sleep with you.

Gloria: Robert, that just can’t happen not in these light years before us. I’ve told you this a hundred times before. (handing him tumbler) Refill please.

Robert: Why?

Gloria: Because I am thirsty.

Robert: But I want to touch you.

Gloria: Oh please, do you know how rusty the parts are? Enough. Give me my glass.

In the underground labs of FEMJINA INC., Dr. G rushes in.

DR: I’ve got it. I’ve found it.

Gloria: What? We may be overheard.

DR: No, no. This here is spy equipment -this remote control senses bugs. . .and not the kind in your hair or in your bed or your pubic region either, it senses electronic bugs in the mere vicinity. AND it detects there are none present in this basement lab.

Gloria: Good, then we can talk plainly in a matter of speaking plain.

DR: But the real news is that I have obtained an access key to the Magic wing. There we can steal magic.

Gloria: Oh, Doctor, I want to rub you down in oils of Arabia! My first order of business is to fly these chickens known as the FEMJINA congress and presidential suite off to cloud nine. Gloria McNan must reign supreme. Next, bite the head off that bitch who put my smoky treat out in the hospital. . .third, obtain my son with the film and then marry him promptly. All the while I will be learning MaJACK!

Robert and DR: Him?

Gloria: Him.

DR: Him who?

Robert: Whose him?

Gloria: Him. You. Him. Not you. Him. Everybody. Get me?

Robert: Not sure.

DR: (to himself) Not sure I like this.

Gloria: So what’s the status of my son?

Robert: He got away.

Gloria: Yes, I am fully aware.

Suddenly the door bursts open and the President returns with guards from the FEMJINA security department.

President: Gloria.

Gloria: What, featherbottom?

President: FEATHER BOTTOM? You dare call me that?

Gloria: Well that’s what you’re going to be when your ass is floating up into heaven. Get em, girls.

DR: What girls?

Robert and the Doctor look at each other. Gloria slowly unbuttons her blouse where her boobs are machine gun titties. She blows the President and the guards away.

President: Gloria, NO!

When the firing stops, everyone is dead except Gloria, Robert, and DR. One guard survives. He crawls slowly towards the door. Gloria walks up to him.

Gloria: Nobody drops a curtain on this fine ass. Please go tell everyone that Gloria McNan is the new president of FEMJINA INCORPORATED.

Robert: But there has never been a president who is ALSO in the League of Femjina.

DR: You are like Nero now or or Julius Caesar!

Gloria: Except I’m the only one doing the knifing and burning bridges around here. Martini, stat. We have a lot of work to do.

19

Curtain drops on Gloria and she is unconscious under the curtain. Lights up on a smaller portion of the stage which is now turned into a small living room. There is a teenage boy which we have not seen before sitting on the couch watching television in shorts and a t-shirt. There is a side table next to him which he has placed a bowl of popcorn on. The phone rings the boy grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it in his mouth then answers the phone.
Corey: Yeah, hello?(Pause while he chews and listens) Yeah, she isn’t home now (Goes to hang up) huh? Yeah I don’t know if I have a pen…wait I’ll look for one. (sets the phone down and watches TV for a minute then picks the phone back up) yeah you still there? Nope I couldn’t find one. Call back later ok? (goes to hang up) huh? I don’t know what time later, Jesus who is this? Ok then Dr G is it an emergency? Well I don’t think it really is. I’ll tell her you called when she gets home though. (hangs up. Starts watching more TV. The phone rings again, he waits and doesn’t want to answer it but then does) Yeah hello? (Pause) hello? I said hello? Anyone there? Jesus static. What the hell (He hangs up. He starts watching TV again. Then the phone rings. He answers) Yeah hello? Breathing, very funny. Who is this? Fuckin’ freak yeah well it doesn’t scare me. What’s your favorite scary movie? (He laughs then hangs up. He keeps flipping the channels and then starts watching something and starts laughing about it. The phone rings again) Yeah hello? (Pause) Oh dude what’s up? No no nothing really just watchin TV why?(Pause) No not really, I’m just watching some weird show or something. Yeah it’s a new show I watch now. Its pretty sweet. Its called Chef-Porn-R-D. (Pause) No dude I think you would like this show it is so funny. (Pause) No it isn’t like the Ma-Jak show although that show was really funny. No this show is like people in red chef hats that jump around on each other or something (his voice gets slower as he starts to watch the show and not pay attention to the fact that he is on the phone. He starts to laugh) Huh? No it wasn’t you it was the show. What did you just say? (pause) sorry I was sorta listening but this is really funny. Are you at home? You should turn it on. (pause) huh? I am listening why whats up? (pause) he what? I thought he couldn’t move? (pause) the nurse stole him? What the hell kind of hospital is he at? Yeah yeah ill come out. But I need more info than that man. Like what the hell is going on? (pause) ok what should we do about it? (pause) ok I’ll come over right now…no wait I cant my mom has the car. And a bunch of people have called and I have to give her the messages or something. (pause) some DR G or something. (says this slow) and some weird breather and some static or something. Holy shit! I think I’m going to die! Holy shit! (pause) you got to come over and help me right now! Run as fast as you can…Mike? Mike? Holy shit Mike are you there? (Starting to cry) Mike holy shit Mike!!! (The lights go out. There is a light from under the curtain as someone starts to raise it up and Gloria becomes alive again. She stands and begins to straighten her dress up. She saunters over to the table and pours herself a cocktail and then lights a cigarette. The place is dark as the lights come up on Gloria the light starts to revive her)
Gloria: Thank you Robert for freeing me from that horrid curtain. (pause) Twenty-million and seventy thousand light years before now I was hardly a graduate from the University.
A meer pawn in this game that we call of games this gamete that reminds us of the best times.
Robert: you got knocked down
Gloria: You piss! Don’t interrupt me from my blather. I hired you or rather you stumbled into my presence and became a surgeon of my work. I know you like the blood baths as much as I do Robert but you know I have another man. I have a can of creamed corn and I cant compromise that kind of thing right now. What have you done with the boy?
Robert: if you wont have me then what was all my work with the boy for?Gloria: Oh my stupid Robert my darling stupid Roberto. You are a grease like any of the disgusting pieces of shit that live among us you are one of the worst. Praying on the genitals of little children to light your way to exploration or rather explosion. And you see dear that I knew this. I knew you wanted yurned really for the child. In your eyes in your mannerisms other than the one protruding now. I created love for you by destruction of another.

18

Alisa and Mom walk down the hallway of the school. Different parents come up and congratulate them.

Parent #1: You guys did awesome!

Parent #2: Everybody thinks you guys will win the pennant.

Child: Hey Alisa! Can you do that split kick again?

Alisa does the split kick in mid-air and someone runs up and shoves her.

Alisa: Ouch! My knee!

Mom: Alisa, baby! Oh my God. Are you okay? Did anybody see that masked man push my child?

A woman comes forward.

Woman: I did.

Mom: Oh thank God. Thank God. Please can you come with me?

Mom helps Alisa up who is limping and the three rush into the dressing room.

Mom: (to Woman) Who are you?

Woman: I’m one of the parents.

Mom: You saw that man in the mask out there?

Woman: Yeah.

Alisa: My leg is swollen.

Mom: What did he look like?

Woman: He was tall. . .maybe medium height.

Mom: More. . .tell me more. . .

Woman: He had on a ski mask. I don’t know if there is any more.

Mom: Look. Things have been happening to my family. Well, my daughter and me for a long time. It all started a long time ago when my five year old son was kidnapped from me and strange things happen so often ever sense, except I or we-

Alisa: We. . .we, Mom, definitely, We.

Mom: We can never track down who is doing these things. AND if it ever happens in public, nobody ever sees anything. EVER. . .but you did.

Woman: But I did. (noticing flowers across the room) Those are pretty flowers.

Mom: Wait. . .Alisa. . . don’t-

Woman: What do they smell like?

Mom runs up, grabs the bouquet out of Alisa’s hand, and points them towards the lady. Colored smoke comes out of them at the last second and gets the lady in the face.

Woman: (collapsing) You better . . .watch out. . .we’ll get you yet.

The woman hits the ground with a thud. A walkie talkie falls out of her pants.

McNan (on walkie talkie, a mere voice)- Are they dead yet? Did you kill them?

Mom- (picks up walkie talkie) Listen. . .bitch. I have this walkie talkie now and you missed. You missed us again. . .and my daughter and I will not live with this torment anymore. I’m taking this walkie talkie to the police station and you are gonna have it done to you. You are going to be put away for so long. . .

McNan (on talkie)- Game over, my apple blossoms.

A giant explosion is heard elsewhere in the building.

Mom: My God.

Another explosion erupts not far from them and the door blows in. Smoke clouds the room. Mom grabs a blanket and the woman’s wig from the ground which has fallen off.

Alisa: Mommy! I can barely walk.

Mom: I’m wrapping you in this blanket and we are getting out of here.

McNan: (on talkie) I wouldn’t be so sure, donkey bottoms.

Gloria laughs maniacally. Alisa is wrapped in the blanket and they exit through the smoke after Mom throws the walkie talkie up against the wall and it explodes. A curtain is pulled to the side to close the scene and another one is whisked open. A giant building stands before us. FEMJINA INC. It is so large, we only see part of a neon A lit up. Brown foliage surrounds a sign that says: Welcome to Femjina Inc. Please select below to go to the right wing: Product and Production Wing (arrow left), Black Arts (arrow right), Open-gate to Hell (straight ahead), Finances (from whence you came). Plastic plants have been added to give the surroundings a pleasanter feel. A giant door opens and we see Gloria McNan before a large desk. We cannot see who sits at the desk, but it is the President of the Company. He has the booming voice of God.

President: Gloria.

McNan: (smoking) What?

President: The movie has been in post-production for 15 years now or something like that. When are we going to get this movie? Do I have to directly threaten your life?

McNan: Do I have to remind you that your predecessor-general made me officially in the League of Femjinas? Are you a Femjina? I don’t think so. So watch your language or I’ll have to squash you like a bug. I want access to the magic wing. I wanna make maJACK!

17

The crew walks fast down the alley way ducking in the side when they hear something. Jonathan is on the walkie talkie which is coming in and out now. Trevor starts to get too heavy for Annie and she sets him on the side to take a breather. She tries to look back at her friend who she knows by now is dead she starts to cry.
Trevor: Oh Annie don’t cry its ok. I’m ok really
Jonathan: We cant stop here- we cant stop anywhere, you just don’t understand they are all over the place and now they are looking for us, if we stop then they are sure to find us. We have to keep moving(he is furious) we have to keep moving!
Annie: (Crying harder) I Cant carry him anymore. I just cant do this
Trevor: I’m ok really-
Jonathan: well you didn’t think about that when you jumped out the window did you?
Annie: That guy was coming at me with a hunting knife, what was I supposed to do?
Jonathan: Oh, come on you could have done something-
Annie: (crying harder) Come on! I cant-
Trevor: will you both please! I can walk now lets get going
Annie: I cant go. I cant do it. I mean I love you and all and I thought that we were going to be together, I mean that you were the one or something. I mean I was thinking about dresses and the color of our wedding and all but this- this is all too much I cant run the rest of my life. I cant fear some guy with a hunting knife I just cant!
Trevor: (Bewildered) You like me that much?
Jonathan: Come on man she cant like you that much I mean she just met you and really you have a great package any girl is going to go for tha- (the walkie talkie crackles) Curtis?
(Everyone is silent as the radio keeps crackling, then it begins to rain and the three are left in the dark alleyway in the rain. A figure creeps up from behind and jumps on Trevor. Annie screams and grabs at his legs but it is too late. The figure is dragging Trevor off the stage. Jonathan has been hit in the head and is bleeding from the head. Annie is fightened and starts screaming and trying to get Trevor back but the figure holds up a knife and Annie backs off. She is sitting in the rain while the curtain is drawn down and the stage goes black.)
(The curtain opens on a stage where little girls in pink tutu’s are doing a tap recital. The song is pop like and the girls are laughing and swinging their arms around. The audience is laughing and cheering. The song ends and the MC concludes the show. The kids go to their parents in the audience.)
Alisa: Hey mom!
Mom: Oh honey that was awesome. You did so well I could tell you have been practicing
Alisa: I know I think we messed up a couple of times but it was crazy!
Mom: I got these for you! (hands her flowers. She jumps up and down)
Alisa: Mom mom thank you thank you thank you I really wanted the purple ones how did you know that I really wanted the purple ones?
Mom: I dono just a hunch
Alisa: They are much better than the ones that the man gave me earlier
Mom: What man?
Alisa: There was a weird man in the dressing room earlier. It was weird but I’ll go get those flowers and put them with these flowers and then I will have lots of flowers.Mom: I think ill go with you to get those honey. Can you point out the man who gave those flowers to you?

16

Annie: How did you get in here anyway? (to Kathy) Weren’t you watching?

Kathy: Of course I was. How did you get in here?

Robert has mean eyes now. And a weathered face. He gets up menacingly without saying much and slowly walks over between Annie and Kathy. They are on edge –not knowing how to move and Robert points the knife at them threateningly. Both ladies tremble.

Robert: Either of you know where a vending machine is? I want a candy bar. (pause) And you. . .you are gonna buy it for me.

Kathy: But I don’t have any money!

Robert: Do you want to be some sliced salmon? Cause I’ll cut you like a fish.

Annie: You better do it!

Kathy: Thanks, Annie!

Robert: Better do what she says. Don’t worry. We’ll be back.

He puts the knife to her throat and they exit slowly. In the hallway, screams and shouts are heard as Kathy is publicly being made a hostage.

Trevor: I’m so sorry that this happened to you. So sorry.

Annie: Shhhh. Come on. Now! You bloody son of a Bitch-

Trevor: Annie!

Annie: No! You motha fucking’ shhhh! I wanna get you out of here alive. So we have to go now. . .

Trevor: I think I likey liken your style woman. Oh shit I think I just quoted my mother. I mean Gloria, SHIT.

Annie: I don’t care.

Annie unbuckles Trevor’s straps and takes a key ring off her belt and unlocks the barred windows. She shoves the screen out and scoops Trevor out of his bed and throws him over her shoulder.

Trevor: (while the above is taking place) Wow, you mean business.

Annie: One thing about me Trevor, is when somebody pushes my buttons. Uh. There we go. I get things done and I do them the way I want. You know that can get you into trouble sometimes, but you know what? I don’t care.

Trevor: Hey. Hey. I’m not a paraplegic.

Annie: We don’t have any time.

They are out the window and into the previous alley. Jonathan is still there with a 40 oz. beer.

Jonathan: Hey. Hey. Where are you kids going?

Annie: Come with us and find out.

Robert (from off, inside the window)- Looks like they busted out the screen.
Fucking kids.

Kathy- (appearing in the window) Annie! Run! Run! Annie!

Robert- (appearing) You bitch.

Jonathan, Annie, and Trevor, who is still over Annie’s shoulder, all watch as Kathy’s eyes go wide and her mouth stiffens from pain. Robert has stabbed her in the back.
Blood gurgles out Kathy’s mouth and Robert shoves his half eaten Hershey bar in it and pushes her out of the way. He begins to climb out the window.

Annie: Oh my God.

Then Jonathan and Annie start to run and Robert is in pursuit. They run out into the open street. A car is parked with Gloria in it and she watches them unnoticed.

Jonathan: Wow, you have some muscles on you.

Trevor: Can you put me down?

Annie: Fine. Where are we going to go now?

Jonathan: I know a place. Follow me.

They walk past Gloria’s car. Jonathan throws the 40 into a nearby trashcan and Gloria gets out and takes it. She pulls out a walkie talkie.

Gloria: They are heading west on 40th. He’s with them. My feet hurt, I’m going home to my foot bath and my flamingos. . .I want the girl dead and my son brought back to me unscathed.

She gets in the car and drives off.
Farther ahead, Annie and Trevor follow Jonathan.

Annie: What does that freak want from you?

Trevor: I have a tape from my childhood. I have the reels of a movie that bitch my so-called mother was making. I stole it and have hidden it.

Jonathan: What the fuck! I thought that was destroyed in the fire set by Oleena.

He pulls out a walkie talkie.

Jonathan: (on walkie talkie) Curtis. Hey Curtis. This is bigger than we thought.

15

Ms. McNan stands in the same spot for a few seconds staring at Annie, who has a frozen expression on her face but is trying to hold her ground. Suddenly Ms McNan turns and starts to walk out. She catches herself and turns back to Annie who jumps in fight.
McNan: I will have you know, you little snively little twirp that I am important. And with the my title not only as mother of Trevor but mother Earth I will call the shots from now on. My delicious man candy the Dr G will be hearing about this fandangle you have created today, and it will be remembered. (She storms out of the room)
(Kathy and Annie stand in silence for a moment)
Kathey: Jesus, you weren’t kidding, she is fightening
Annie: And drunk. God did you smell that?
Kathy: I wasn’t breathing the whole time
Annie: (Regaining her composure) Now, I have to have another break because there is this guy outside by the trash-
(From the other room Trevor speaks)
Trevor: Annie? Is that you? Can I see you for a second?
Annie: (to Kathy) Can you stall him? I have to go talk to this guy!
Kathy: Stall him? While you go talk to some homeless guy? I thought you were just in love with Trevor?
Annie: (Whispering) I AM! But there was this bum outside that was talking about how he knew Trevor or something and-
Trevor: Annie, please I think I need you in here
Annie: Oh, my god he is so cute
Kathy: What about your one true bum?
Annie: Shut up. I’m coming Trevor sweetie one second (to Kathy) now I have to go in there.
Kathy: Don’t think I’m going to go talk to some bum
Annie: Forget about the bum- well don’t forget about him but I’ll go see after my shift or on my next break
Trevor: Uh, are you coming?
Annie: Yeah Trevor I’m coming (she walks into his room and screams. Kathy comes running into the room and starts yelling and there is the sound of things being broken)
(Set turns to reveil the bedroom where Trevor is staying. Robert is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. Trevor is in a scared trance in his bed. Annie is standing comforting him and Kathy’s gaze is frozen on the knife in his hand. He is slowly shaving the top layers of this hands off. Rocking slowly he is silent)
Annie: Who are you?
Kathy: Whoever you are you cant be here
Annie: This is a restrictive room!
Kathy: We will call security (She doesn’t move from her spot)
Robert: (Stops rocking and stares at her) No you wont
Kathy: (After a moment pause) Why wont I?
Robert: Because I have a hunting knife. And I feel like hunting…you
Annie: Why are you here?
Robert: This boy here has something that I need. Something that can send me homeAnnie: He doesn’t have anything of yours. We checked him in when he came here he is clean of anything!

14

Annie: I’m going to go now. I think you need to sleep.

Trevor: I don’t want to sleep.

Annie: Can you- ummm- if I promise to help you get out of here?

Trevor: (laughs) Yeah right.

Annie: Don’t say another word. Leave everything up to me.

Trevor: You-

Annie: Not another word. What do you have to lose now? You’re already a prisoner. You can’t go any lower.

Trevor: True.

Annie: Get some rest.

Annie goes out into the hallway of the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Nurses and Doctors greet and nod to her. She goes up to the desk where Kathy sits.

Annie: Is Doctor G, scheduled to come in today?

Kathy: No, he’s at his office all day. Counciling. Why?

Annie: I want to go out and do a smoke break.

Kathy: But, child, you don’t smoke.

Annie: So what? You do! Why do smokers have privileges when all they do is kill themselves? I want to have a break like you do, except I won’t be taking off seven minutes of my life with that thing that you call pleasure.

Kathy: Fine. You’ve got five minutes.

Annie: You get six.

Kathy: Whatever.

Annie bolts out into an alley way and takes out her cell phone. She dials and then listens intently. Unbeknownst to her, a bum sits near the garbage can.

Annie: Hey Charla! Hey sister girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, I’m at work. But I think I’m in love. You know all those dreams I’ve been having, well he woke up today. . . and he sounds just like he does in the dreams. . . no no no, no pedestal. . . He deserves a golden altar! . . . I don’t care. . . .I really don’t. Ummm Trevor McNan.

The Bum stirs.

Annie: I’m going to help him escape from the hospital. . . .Don’t tell anybody. You just do your job at the gas station and I’ll be a nurse. . . the doctor is crazy. Sometimes nurses know more than doctors. . . have you ever wanted to risk it all for one person? Yeah. . . you’re boring. . .you wouldn’t.

Bum- Do you have a dollar?

Annie: (to bum) Ewww. No. (to phone) Charla, oh crazy homeless guy.

Bum- I know Trevor McNan.

Kathy: (from off) You’ve got two minutes, missy!

Annie: (to Kathy) Yeah, yeah. (to Bum) What did you say? (to Phone) Hold on a second, Charla.

Bum- My name is Jonathan. I tried to save Trevor once.

Annie: You did? (to Phone) Charla, gotta go. (She hangs up)

Bum/Jonathan- Give me a dollar and I’ll tell you all about it.

Kathy: (appears at the door) The McNan boy is asking for you.

McNan: (off) Excuse me, Excuse me, what room did you say my son was in?

Annie: Can you wait right here? I gotta go for a second.

Jonathan: Where else am I going to go?

Annie rushes in and sees Gloria McNan decked out in some glorious coat with a cigarette holder before Kathy at the desk. McNan’s hair is insane and smoke comes off the tip of the cigarette. Annie rushes up.

Annie: Mrs. McNan. Mrs. McNan.

McNan: Ms. It’s Ms. To you.

Annie: I’m sorry, Ms. McNan, but you have to put cigarettes out in the hospital.

McNan: Fall-da-roll and fiddle dee dee. Nobody speaks like that-

Annie takes the cigarette and smashes it on the floor.

Annie: They do now.

McNan: Young lady.

Annie: My name is Annie. Annie Graham. Nurse Annie Graham and I’m in charge of your son when Dr. G is not here. Please step to the side. Your son is not in a condition to see you at this time. Kathy, those are my orders.

McNan: How old are you?

Annie: I refuse to answer the question. Good day, Ms. McNan. Come back tomorrow
-without a cigarette.

13

(Trevor is lying in a bed in a little room. He starts to wake up as he feels a young woman come into the room. He tries to sit up but can feel himself restrained.)
Annie: Don’t worry; I think they said that you won’t have those on long
Trevor: Why do I have them at all?
Annie: They give them to people who are out- I mean; I don’t think you are dangerous. I was here when you came in, and you looked so sweet and tired.
Trevor: When did I come in? How long have I been here?
Annie: You have been sleeping for a few days now
Trevor: A few days? Oh, god
Annie: It’s ok, they have been feeding you through a tube, I think you can get it out as soon as you wake up, which would be today, so that’s kinda good news, huh?
Trevor: (Lays back down) yeah
Annie: Are you ok? I mean I’ve been kinda worried about you
Trevor: (Not moving) I’m not ok man
Annie: Well don’t tell them they won’t let you out of those if you say things like that
Trevor: I’m fine. I’m stuck in this horrible vortex
Annie: Really? Is that how it feels?
Trevor: I’m not mentally ill. My mother-
Annie: Oh, yeah she is a trip
Trevor: well, she isn’t my mother. That lady that you met isn’t my mother, she kidnapped me when I was younger, and the doctor is somehow in on it
Annie: Really?
Trevor: (Isn’t moving) Yeah
Annie: She was a little sauced
Trevor: Yeah that’s her; she is sleeping with the doctor
Annie: Your doctor?
Trevor: Yeah my psychologist or something, well he isn’t really mine. I didn’t really want to go, but I have this girlfriend-
Annie: (sad) Oh, you do?
Trevor: Well probably not anymore- I mean she is probably gone by now, with another guy
Annie: Really? Because your crazy- I mean sick and all?
Trevor: Yeah, because I couldn’t- well I- can’t- oh forget it
Annie: (Leaning over him) Cant what? I can help you
Trevor: Well that’s the thing, you can but you can’t
Annie: Well, whatever I can do I think I want to help. I can’t believe your story it’s so horrible.
Trevor Yeah it is pretty stupid, most people don’t really believe me when I tell them that the lady who calls herself my mother is really the lady who stole me from my real family because I got stuck on the set of some pedophile movie and got sucked into being molested by some pedophile or something. And to cover it all up they took me and tried to erase my brain but it didn’t work because I can’t even get an erection. (Annie is silent) oh god I’m sorry, you hate me now. I didn’t mean to- I don’t know. I’m sorry
Annie: (Quiet) you can’t get an erection?
Trevor: (Shy) noAnnie: It’s ok. I think they have drugs for that

12

Trevor continues to writhe on the floor. Mom and Alisa stand there.

Alisa: Mommy! What do we do?

Mom: Oh, I’m not sure.

Alisa: Is he dying?

Mom: Oh no, he’s an epileptic. But I forgot if I should take his tongue out or hold his head up. Stay right here, Mommy has to go get a medical dictionary.

Alisa: No.

Alisa goes to the phone and dials. Gloria and Dr. G reappear in the DR’s office opposite Trevor’s mom’s kitchen.

DR: How long will he remain unconscious?

McNan: About 45 minutes. At least that’s what the vet told me, but it varies sporadically. Once he woke up just after 10. Anymore of that wine, for your prophetess?

The unconscious Trevor stirs in the middle of the floor. Alisa and Mom, who reenters, are unaware of Gloria and Dr. G and vice versa.

Trevor- (through puke and writhing, screams) MOMMY!

Mom/ McNan: I’m here, darling. I’m here.

Mom: What are you doing on the phone?

Alisa: Calling 911.

Mom: No. No. Musn’t do that.

McNan: I bet he’s having one of those hallucinations again. What a crocket!

DR: Hallucinations?

Mom: Remember when you had that rash and I told you to look it up in the medical dictionary?

McNan/Trevor: Yeah.

McNan: Hallucinations.

Alisa: Yeah.

DR: What are they?

Mom: Go see if you can find the book in your room. I’m gonna check my room.

Mom and Alisa exit frantically, Trevor seems to slow down. DR pours another drink for Gloria –alcohol seems to make her stronger.

McNan: I received Trevor when he was very small, but once he told an employee of mine, one Curtis Falco, when I worked for a production company by the name of Femjina Inc. that he was epileptic and often dreamed of how perfect his family would have been if he had grown up with them. Obviously he didn’t grow up with them. He became my ward, because well. . .in truth, because he was better off with me. I can cure his epilepsy. Oh Glonk. I’m such a poetess too. I rhyme and I don’t even try.

DR: But he’s having a seizure now.

McNan: Oh that’s the horse medication talking. He’s living in an alternate universe. He’s very mentally deranged. Quite obtuse.

DR: Well, I have to get him to open up. It’s my job.

McNan: Yes, I trust you’ll take him to the beginning and back again. Find out everything that happened. Take careful notes. Anything you don’t think I already don’t know, please make me aware of.

DR: Anything for you my proton gun.

Mom and Alisa reenter.

Mom: We have to save him. We must.

Trevor suddenly stops shaking. He is covered in vomit and foam. His eyes open.

Trevor: The truth is, they are real. AND they will save me, you assholes.

Mom and Alisa are cut off by a giant curtain.

McNan: We’ll see about that.

11

(Curtain opens on a bedroom. The alarm clock goes off. Trevor sits up out of bed and turns it off. The sun is coming through the blinds, he stands by the closet trying to figure out what to wear. He is still asleep and trying to wake up. Off stage you can hear someone calling to him, the door slightly opens and a womans head peeks through.)
Mom: Oh, good morning honey just making sure you are awake (she starts to leave)
Trevor: yeah, I’m up. Hey mom? Do you know where my green shirt is?
Mom: Which green shirt?
Trevor: The Element one
Mom: With the gold writing? I think check in the basket. I put a bunch of your clean close in the basket (Trevor walks over to the basket to look) I made you waffles hun, whenever your ready
Trevor: Thanks mom (Trevor gets dressed then wanders downstairs. He sits at the table and starts to eat)
Mom: So, today the reports are due huh? But you don’t have to turn yours in because you finished it a week ago.
Trevor: Yeah, but I have that huge calc test today
Mom: Oh yes I remember, you think your ready for it?
Trevor: I guess I mean I studied really hard so whatev
Mom: you still going to go skate after school today?
Trevor: I was planning on it why?
Mom: Well I have a hair appointment today and Alisa needs someone here when she gets home. But if you cant that’s ok I know you are really busy.
Trevor: Its ok ill be here I need to work on reading anyways.
Mom: Thanks Trevor I really appreciate it.
(Alisa runs through the room and over to Trevor)
Alisa: Guess what? Today is the book fair! Mom said I can get the puppy book and the one about Barbie and the new vacation home!
Trevor: (Laughing) Really?
Alisa: And my friend Molly is coming home from school with me today
Mom: Oh that’s right, maybe Molly can come another day sweetie mommy has a hair appointment after school so Trevor is going to be here
Alisa: YESSSSS
Mom: But you have home work you need to work on
Alisa: I know, please mom can Molly come over?
(Mom is thinking about it)
Trevor: It’s cool mom I can watch them both whatever
Mom: Really you don’t mind? Then I guess its ok (Alisa gives Trevor a great big hug) But you need to keep the house clean I’ve been working on keeping it nice for some time.
Alisa: we will! Thanks Trev you’re the best
(Trevor smiles as his family hugs him. Then he starts to get a really bad headache and starts writhing in pain. His mother tries to help him but it just gets worse. He starts to throw up and falls out of his chair onto the floor. Mom and Alisa are trying to figure out what is wrong. Everything goes silent as the scene gets worse. Trevor lays on the floor unconscious.

10

DR: Gloria.

Gloria is a withered, old prune, but more vivacious than ever. She moves with amazing rapidity even though her skin is tissue thin and she looks frail.

McNan: You can’t escape your past, Trevor, and I’m it. So let me in.

She tosses DR. a flask which he catches without flinching. Like clockwork, he opens his desk drawer, pulls out a metallic shaker and pours the concoction into it. Trevor stands sickened.

Trevor: I don’t want to talk to either of you. I hate this fucking world.

McNan: Too bad you’re seventeen. Too bad when I close this door and lock it, (She gives the Doctor a look. He tosses her the keys. She closes the door and shuts it up.) you won’t be able to leave. Legally.

Trevor: Too bad when they find your remains, you won’t be alive. And you won’t die legally either.

McNan: Pookie. Is that anyway to talk to your mother?

Trevor: You aren’t my mother.

McNan: I’m your guardian. You are my child. Refill, please. (Same stick with the flask again.)

DR: (as he pours) I made this last night. I brew a lot of my own wine.

McNan: I tell you, our electricity is amazing. Trevor this man does wonders for my headaches. Trust in him. Mommy does. I mean darling, Trevor, once you see the doctor, we’ll begin to get things straightened out. Come sit by Mommy.

Trevor: No. No. I didn’t come from that smelly womb. You crazy stinking old bat!

Trevor goes ballistic and starts to throw things in the room. He clears the doctor’s desk and there is quite a scuffle. Gloria drinks her drink and remains calm. The Doctor is visibly frightened by Trevor’s insane rage. Nothing really seems to hit Gloria, the receptionist enters to see what the matter is.

Receptionist: G, is ever- Oh my God.

Receptionist takes cover.

McNan: (raising her voice slightly) Don’t worry everything is under control.

Gloria’s hands go into her purse. Trevor sees a large volume of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina on G’s bookshelf and ponders throwing it. In this slight pause, Ms. McNan has taken the time to concisely stab Trevor’s arm with a syringe. In a matter of seconds, he collapses unconscious.

McNan: Once you realize you have a boy like him, it’s always good to have a horse tranquilizer on hand.

The receptionist stares.

McNan: (to Patty) What? What flew up your arse and died? (to DR) I need another drink, electro-magnet. (back to Patty) What? You want some? I think I have needle with your name on it.

Receptionist: Oh no, I’m sorry.

DR: That’ll be all, Patty. Thank you, you may go.

Receptionist: Thanks.

Receptionist exits.

DR: Gloria, don’t worry about her. She’s new. She doesn’t know how anything works around here. She’s not familiar with the atmosphere of a Doctor’s office. I might have to let her go though. She’s quite. . .how shall I say. . .boring?

McNan: I think quite. Yes, quite is a good word. Maybe quite, quite boring. Anyways. . .

9

(Trevor looks at the doctor with a sense and feeling like he cant control his life anymore. He sighs and tries to look out the window or at the books.)
Trevor: she’s not my mother
DR: Well, yes, however she is the one that raised you
Trevor: because she stole me
DR: or saved you?
Trevor: Hold on! Wait? Are you on her side? (Starting to freak out)
DR: I’m not on sides
Trevor: Whatever she told you, whatever sob story that she peddled your way isn’t true- ck- I cant believe this- no! I can believe this Jesus- what did she tell you? (Squirming)
DR: those things are confidential
Trevor: Oh serious? You are going to totally pull that on me? I mean shit? (He starts to get up)
DR: Trevor sit down. Please, I’m not on any sides. I am here to try and mend things in the past that may have been harmful. I’m here to try and help a family get back together
Trevor: whatever, did you tell her I cant get it up?
DR: No, that is something that she came to me about
Trevor: Oh my god what the hell? Seriously? When?
DR: Your mother and I have been seeing each other for a while.
Trevor: You have been counseling my mother?
DR: No, I’ve been seeing your mother for a while.
Trevor: As in?? (He pauses and makes a face) Seriously?
DR: I don’t know if you know this, but your mother is a very powerful woman.
Trevor: DR Honestly, for your own sake you should get out of this while you can. This sort of thing really doesn’t ever work out for Gloria, and the other, which is always the you wont work out either. I’m telling you, I know.
DR: I don’t think you know what kind of connection I have with your mother. The elec-
Trevor: Electricity is amazing? Is that what she tells you? Because that is what she tells them all.
(The DR is quiet for some time as Trevor stares at him. The buzzer rings from the receptionist)
Receptionist: G Thing? Do you still know Miss Gloria is out here?
DR: Yeah…Hold on
Trevor: Take it from me I know, after my father left because I had become a teenager-
DR: Yes your father
Trevor: I know what your going to say. He was a lazy man because he loved computers-
DR: Did your mother ever tell you about your father?
Trevor: No
DR: How they met and…ended up living together…with you
Trevor: Really I only know some things about the past. Some of the things I don’t think I ever want to know. I know that my father was lazy and that he loved to kiss me more than he loved to kiss my mother. I know that my real family lives some where in Antartica. Or something like that, at least that is what mom said. Don’t really know what all this has to do with the fact that I cant get it-(He trails off)
DR: (Speachless) (The door flings open and Gloria McNan bursts into the room)

8

DR: You can’t or won’t-

Trevor: Well. . . I guess I never thought about it before. I can’t though.

DR: Your thingy?

Trevor: My thingy? What thingy?

DR: Your slim Johnson? Your twiggy and buds?

Trevor: What? (gets it) Oh! Yeah. My twiggy never can get-

DR: Erect.

Trevor: Yes.

DR: Why do you think that is?

Trevor: I don’t know. I want it to. I want it to so bad. But it won’t.

DR: Hmmm. Erectile Dysfunction at –

Trevor: Wait, Doc, are you even sure that’s what this is?

DR: Well, Trevor, I don’t know. Let’s find out. We are getting ahead of ourselves here. My name is Doctor McGlonkinspieler.

Trevor: Could you say that again?

DR: McGlonkinspieler. A little Irish, a little welsh, a lot German. My grandfather was a Nazi in the third reich. . .

Trevor: Oh.

DR: Anyhow, take me back to the beginning of when this happened. We need to seed through this shit. Do you get me? We need to clear the weeds and plant some seeds to your recovery. . . How old are you?

Trevor: Twenty.

DR: Okay, twenty. (under breath, writing) Knows nothing about life.

Trevor: What?

DR: Oh, nothing. Nothing. Just making observations.

Trevor: Well, it’s making me uncomfortable.

DR: Let’s go back to the beginning.

A beep on McGlockenspieler’s desk.

Receptionist: Dr. Bickerspieler?

DR: Patty. . .Patty. . .just call me Dr. G. Okay? (to Trevor) Nobody gets it right. I’m new. I guess. . .I guess. . . It must be a G thing.

DR laughs. Silence.

Receptionist: Okay G thing, Trevor’s mom is here. She wants to come into the room.

DR: Do you want to see your mother?

Pause.

7

(The curtains close and the house is black. There are sounds of children that start to fade away into the distance. The audience sits in total silence for nearly 5 minutes. After the long pause the curtain is drawn back and there is a young man sitting in a chair. He has a backpack on the floor next to him and he is thumbing through a magazine as he nervously bounces his legs. There is no one else in the waiting room but him. The telephone rings and the receptionist gets the phone calls. He sits and waits.)
Nurse: (A side door opens and a nurse peeks her head out and calls his name) Trevor McNan?
Trevor: (Stands and waves slightly) Yeah
(Nurse opens the door wider and lets him walk into the second room. The second room is calming with greens and blues and aesthetic pictures on the walls. There is a couch in the middle of the room and a desk with chairs near it. There is a book case and Trevor wanders over to read some of the titles of the books. The Nurse nods that the doctor will be in shortly and Trevor doesn’t look at her as she walks back out. He stands looking at the books)
Trevor: (Under his breath to himself) Childhood trauma, Why do bad things happen to good people…My dad shot my mom in the head? (He picks up the book to look at the cover)
DR: (Entering) that is actually a good book, despite all its creepy weird factors.
Trevor: (Startled turns around) Oh, sorry, I was just looking for- I mean looking at-I’m sorry (He puts the book back on the shelf)
DR: (Calm) it’s really ok; I would love if you wanted to read something from there. You are a reader I heard.
Trevor: Who told you that?
DR: Your mother, sometimes that’s all she talks about, is your reading and detachment from society
Trevor: How would she know anything about society?
DR: Have a seat; this might be too heavy of a subject to start with. How are you?
Trevor: I’m fine; really I don’t need to be here
DR: Fair enough. Let’s talk about how things are going in your life
Trevor: You mean about the whole, I was molested by some weirdo when I was a kid, orphaned, lived in a studio for months then some alcoholic witch became my mother and my life has been a freak show ever since?
DR: Well, I have a different version of that but- if that is something or something’s that you would like to talk about with me then I would like that.
(Trevor is silent)
DR: Are there any of those things that you want to talk about with me?
Trevor: I dono none of those things are my problem
DR: Okay, What seems to be your problem?
Trevor: I’m a complete freak
DR: What makes you a complete freak?
Trevor: You have to promise never to tell anyone
DR: Well, that is a good point, I have something’s that I need you to sign that state that I wont tell anyone any of the things that we talk about today or any day. Unless they are things that will either harm you or harm another person
Trevor: okay okay whatever, so I like this girl
DR: Yeah
Trevor: and she likes me too, which is really cool because she is like completely awesome, but-
DR: (waits for Trevor to say something, when he doesn’t he coaxes him) okay but-
Trevor: But I can’t have sex!
DR: What do you mean you can’t have sex? Trevor: Well, when I try to I can’t-

6

Falco: You can’t find the children?!

Josie: They went running through the wings, up into trap doors and down stairs.

Jonathan: Which ones?

Falco: How many are there?

Robert enters.

Robert: Six I counted.

Jonathan: I thought that this was the league of women voters, not the league of brats.

Falco: It’s also a babysitting party. None of these ladies pay for a babysitter so all the kids play in the background.

Jonathan: Where are all these voters?

The women enter and swamp the place.

McNan: Hide the booze! Hide the booze! I mean it.

Josie: Mr. Falco.

Falco: What?

Josie: What should I do?

Falco: Go find my wife and tell her that you and I are having an affair. I’m at my wits end. I don’t want to hide this any longer.

Josie: But then the house’ll get split and I won’t be able to use your Jacuzzi anymore.

Falco: Look, doll, children are everywhere. There is a pedofile on the loose and we need to stop him.

Josie: Are you the pedofile?

Jonathan: No.

Josie: Are you?

McNan: No. But Falco, get the fucking cameras on this. This. This is beautiful.

Janet runs through chasing a child with one in her arms.

Janet: I think I want a divorce.

Falco: Good idea.

Janet: Good?

Falco: Yes good.

Josie: Can he have the Jacuzzi?

Silence

Janet: You bitch. (pause, sobs) And you son of a bitch. You’re not supposed to say that. I loved you. Love you. Loved you. Love you. Awww. Hell. I don’t know what I feel.

Janet sobs, the women stare at her, Jonathan covers his mouth, Gloria points the camera, children run amuck and play. Suddenly through the silence a small door opens in the back of the stage. A boy enters. They all focus on him.

Boy- Where is Robert? Robert McCaffrey?

A curtain opens where Robert is there with one of the children.

Robert- Here I am.

Boy- I’m the boy from the internet. I’m here to play.

5

(Suddenly there is a loud bang in the back as Curtis’s wife Janet busts through the door with a gaggle of children in hand. They rush in and then are immediately startled by what they see. There are gasps and screams as Janet and the “helper” Josie try and cover the children’s eyes)
Janet: What is going on here?
Falco: (trying to explain) Janet I can explain! Really I was trying to tell you that today wasn’t a good day to come, and that I don’t think this is something that you should have brought the child-
Janet: you were telling me that this was a children’s play!
Falco: well it involves children
Janet: Oh very funny! We are going to talk about this-
Jonathan: If I may-
Mc. Nan: No you may not! This dear lady is my master piece (she starts to sway and stumble toward Janet) and no one, even some little uptight crumpled down and worn out house wife is going to tell me that I am directing trash. This is one of the greatest projects there is out there, you see the problem is that you are used to seeing crap! Crap crap crap! Theater that doesn’t evoke, theater that doesn’t make you wonder, flat theater that has no room for imagination what so ever! And then you come in here and you think that this is crap? It is because your tiny brain is clouded with nothing but television shows and Oprah merchandise. Get a clue lady. This is real raw bleeding theater. This is where dreams are made. So get your fat ass and ugly children out of my studio.
(Janet is so taken aback that she stands in silence for a moment before realizing that Gloria has stopped speaking)
Janet: I have never-
McNan: Yeah yeah yeah you have never been so taken aback or something of the sort. Use a different vocabulary and evolve monkey
(Janet glares at Curtis and starts to walk off in a huff. Everyone is silent. Gloria looks at Jonathan and starts to walk close to him. He tenses up because he feels that he is in trouble)
Jonathan: I can explain!
McNan: Can you make a drink for me before you do
Falco: Yes ill get you that drink Gloria. Don’t you think that was kinda harsh?
McNan: Harsh is what is in the past my boy, you know nothing about theater if you know a day of it. There are rules. Theater is like WAR. And they don’t serve soggy carrots in war. Where the hell are the good carrots? (Pushes the tray off the table) You see (Jonathan hands her the drink) Thank you, I like you. I think if you weren’t wearing that suit that I would make you the pool boy. I think this show needs a pool boy. (Pause) Where was I?
Jonathan: Pool boy
Falco: Carrots?
McNan: The rules. Theater is a delicate hard process. It is driven into your soul and strips you of any feeling below the waist. But the real thing about truckers is that you don’t know where they go
(Jonathan and Falco slip from her grip and start to talk behind her raving, she continues to rant and rave)
Jonathan: Oh boy are you in trouble with the wife!
Falco: I know I can’t believe that she came here. I knew it would only result in something bad going down. And she brought the damn kids!!
Jonathan: How is she going to explain that to the parents?
Falco: She doesn’t.
(Gloria realizes that no one is listening and starts to talk to Falco and Jonathan again)
McNan: Falco, Rico boys boys you are my boys. But we need to continue even though we had an unpleasant disruption, if you will.
(All of a sudden the door busts open and Josie reappears)
Josie: Uhhh, Curtis, we can’t find a couple of childrenMcNan: (looking around) where is my Robert dear?

4

Ms. McNan- That’s the spot! Look he’s practicing for the role. Bibbitybobbityboo!

She forgets about Jonathan and Falco. Falco helps Jonathan up. She rushes over to Robert with his pants down. Robert is frozen like a deer in a headlights.

Robert- Ms. McNan, I want to thank you. I have never felt so accepted before.

Jonathan and Falco talk aside.

Falco- This is escalating worse than I thought. We have to kill her this afternoon!

Jonathan- Curtis, I think you have me misunderstood. When you and I got drunk together that one evening, I wasn’t serious about producing that theatrical-docudrama-snuff film.

Falco- Then why’d you hesitate when I said I’d tell everyone about it?

Ms. McNan-Oh boys. I think we’re going to begin filming again, Robert’s stiffened up a bit on the part-y. Oh pardon the pun. FALCO, I’m almost empty. Delinquint? Ha. Genius!

Jonathan- Why do you have to be the one to stop her?

Falco- She’s produced hits before. She’s a moneymaker. The production company wants her to succeed. They’ve given her license to do whatever she wants so she wants to make something controversial. Really the company is going to steal her name, dumb all the graphic parts down, and she’s going to end up hurting some real people in the process!

Jonathan- Animals were hurt in the making of this film.

Falco- Exactly.

Jonathan- So you want me to do what? Take an axe and chop off her head?

Falco- Jonny boy, I’ve always admired you. You know I’ve been trying to make it in this biz as much as Ms. Gloria McNan herself. I want you to kill her, shoot it on film, and then we’ll sell it to the sickos out there.

Jonathan- But-

Falco- But? Nothing. We’ll be doing humankind a service!

Falco’s cell phone rings. He answers.

Falco- Hello? Yeah. No. No. Not a good time honey. We’re in the middle of shooting. No. No. No. I can’t have that happening. Just a sec. (to Jonathan, he pulls papers out of a binder) Look at this.

Jonathan- What’s this?

Falco- Just look at it. (back to phone) yeah. No, absolutely not.

Ms. McNan- I really think I’m likey liken your style, Robert. Let’s get warmed up at the computer again.

Robert- Okay.

Jonathan-(reading) Robert McCaffrey, convicted felon, three accounts of sexual assault,

Robert- (typing) I would want you to come over here.

Ms. McNan- Yes, say to the studio theater on the west lot.

Falco- (defeated) Alright.

Jonathan- Wow, this guy is fucked up.

Falco- This is bad.

Jonathan- He does women, children, men, and animals. Animals will be harmed in the making of this film! What is it?

Falco- My wife is bringing her group over for a theater tour. She thought it’d be fun. My wife doesn’t take no for an answer when she gets an idea. League of Women Voters watch out!

Jonathan- League of Women Voters, what do they do?

Falco- It’s a bunch of women who talk about how great woman’s suffrage is. It’s nothing but an excuse to drink coffee and play games and gossip.

Robert- The boy said he’d come over here. He did.

Ms. McNan- Falco, get over here. I need three cameras set up in Robert’s dressing room for a private sessession.

Falco- Sessession?

Ms. McNan- French for get me a drink and do what I say. I love my life.

3

Gloria Mc. Nan bursts out of the dressing room in a bewildered stooper. She is drunk and flailing her arms about. She is mumbling and it becomes prominent as she gets closer to Falco.
G. Mc Nan: Dear god! Why is it always I who has to work with these, these delinquents who just philander them selves around this city. Who have no more respect than a horse’s asshole pinning donkeys down? Where did this city run off to? How did it get this dismal out here? You see it was never like this. You see, listen I am trying to tell you something boy. Jesus keep yourself together I don’t have all day. Now what was I saying?
Falco: He has been trying to get Jonathan out of the set room without Gloria’s notice. He is shooing him off the set. He makes eye contact with Gloria right as she asks him the question. Uh, you were talking about the the republic of China’s great influence on American society today?
G. Mc Nan: Dear god boy. You do know exactly what I am thinking everyday of my life. You are like the second breath of life that I am breathing at this very moment children are dying because they are being sucked down into machines and child labor is at an all time high. It is just a disgusting state of affairs sometimes. (Pause) Now, where in Gods great name is my drink. You are good at finishing sentences but you are not good at following directions. I mean Christ boy, how many times do I need to say that I ABSOLUTELY MUST have a drink in my hand at all times? Must we go on and on about this dead topic?
Falco: (Springs into action and trying to find her a drink, he takes a detour to get close to Jonathan. Whispering) what the hell are you doing?
Jonathan: I’m stuck here there is no exit on this side!
Falco: Oh! Shit, you have to cross to the other side to get out.
Jonathan: Yeah, I got that. How the hell am I going to get out???
Falco: I will create a diversion (starts to run off)
Jonathan: (grabs his arm and pulls him back) you were right about her being drunken and crazed.
G. Mc Nan: Fal!!!!!! where the hell have you run off to. I asked for a simple drink how long is it going to take you?
Falco: (running up with a glass) here, sorry here yeah I got stuck in the wing. Didn’t want to spill it and whatever.
G. Mc Nan: Great. Now, (she looks around while she takes a drink) Where is that disgusting man who can’t act worth shit?
Falco: (sputtering and at a loss for words) Uh, yeah, I wanted to- well ask you- talk about (suddenly there is a giant crash, Falco looks toward the wing, Gloria stiffens up)
G. Mc Nan: What the hell was that?
Falco: uh hum I don’t know either (Gloria runs over to the wing and discovers Jonathan on the floor)
Jonathan: The damn light fell on me-
G.Mc Nan: (To Falco) Who is this? (To Jonathan) Who are you?
Jonathan: I can explain
Falco: Nothing-
G. Mc Nan: Well, you best explain
Jonathan: Ms Mc Nan I am a lawyer-
G. Mc Nan: I don’t care if you’re a tomato
Falco: He is no one really-
Johnathan: I’m really more than no one-
G. McNan: Out with it I don’t have time for this!
(Jonathan tries to get up but slips on a curtain and anther curtain falls to revile Robert in his dressing room on the internet with his pants down.)

2

Falco, another!

Falco: But you just-

Ms. McNan: I don’t care! Now! I’ll be in my office!

She exits with a flourish. Falco doesn’t move. Jonathan enters.

Falco: (to Robert) You can take five until-

Robert: Doesn’t she want me to talk to this boy?

Falco: Yeah, yeah, but not right now.

Jonathan: Curtis, what’s going on?

Falco: Can you go wait in your dressing room?! Please! Take the cheetos!

Robert exits

Jonathan: Curtis, why’d you call me?

Falco: I’ve done a really, really bad thing, Jonathan.

Jonathan: What is it?

Falco: You know how I always work myself into tight spots?

Jonathan: What’d you do?

Silence

Falco: I hired an actual pedophile to play a pedophile for Gloria McNan’s new reality-docu-film drama play. And this guy is really preying on kids!

Jonathan: What?!

Falco: And she’s lost it. She’s an alcoholic! She has no artistic integrity anymore. She stumbles around, mis-using words, and thinks she’s got the next hit on her hands. She thinks this Robert is bad at playing a pedophile, but he’s an actual pedofile! So I need you-

Jonathan: I’m leaving, Curtis!

Falco: You can’t! No. No. No. You leave and everybody will know what controversial play you are planning on producing. The censors will have you shut down so fast.

Jonathan: Shhh! (pause) What do you want me to do?

Falco: We have to have Ms. McNan killed.

Jonathan: What?

Falco: I think this will fit in nicely with your play, don’t you think?
Silence

1

The curtain only partly opens. Scene opens with a man sitting in a small room. There is clutter everywhere in the room; piles of books papers garbage. The man sits at his computer at his desk. He is online and chuckles as he reads. He is over Forty and overweight. He talks to himself as he sits. The audience can hear voices whispering in the background.
Man: so juicy, juicy, succulent, delectable little boys (He types as he speaks) what color swim trunks do you have? (Pause) That’s my favorite color! Really? (smiles) that’s what I like to do too! We are so similar. Almost the same person. Yeah, second grade is great. How is your class? (He licks his fingers free of cheeto resin) When can I see you? boys, boys boys boys you should be careful of crazy people? Oh shit! Not question mark. I mean- (he types) how old did you say you were again? 8 is a perfect age! BRB(He stands and goes to the kitchen to get more food. On his way back he trips on a chord and some lights turn off.)
The second part of the curtain opens to the director the assistant and the film crew.
Ms. McNan: (To Falco her assistant) Where did you get this man?
Falco: I-
Ms. McNan: Forget it- Robert; yes do stand please get off the floor. It was brought to my attention that you have never acted before which is unfortunate for me. However, I make things work, and this film is going to work if it ends up killing me which it most likely will it is going to work. Do I make myself clear?
Robert: Y-
Ms. McNan: Good. I would like you to try harder in this scene. Really you are after this boy that you are talking to over the internet. I need you to be more creepy about it. get into the mind of the forty-year-old-boy-stalker. Be that man. Let the whole essence of his being encompass you on your journey. Maybe you need to- I don’t know- watch some creepy old disgusting man sitting at his computer jacking off to talking to boys on line- to really understand how they operate. Do you understand this?
Robert is back at the desk trying to talk to the boy again
Ms.McNan: What in gods name are you doing?
Robert: I –I well, I really, I dono, I really like this boy, I don’t wanna umm well umm not be able to talk to him?
Ms.McNan stares at him with angry eyes. She looks as if she is about to explode
Ms.McNan: (under her breath) dear god Christ of all trades (louder) Who in Gods name do you think you are?
Falco: I think we might need a break-
Ms.McNan: Excellent idea. (Everyone scatters out of the space) Fuck get me a gin stat. That’s a ten minute break people nothing more nothing less. Report back on time this time I do NOT have time for dilly and dallious people in this production. Jesus why do I always work with such morons Falc? I mean I AM a respectable woman despite what everyone thinks about this past dispute or unpleasantness. Is it not my business to direct or carry my life in whatever direction need be? Will I be punished for this the rest of my days? Where is the good lord? Where is my damn drink? (Falco appears and hands her the drink she drinks it in one fall swoop, then waves her hand beckoning for another) I was born through the gates of heaven into this glorious profession. I will not be slandered or slithered upon like the great snakes of westingly. I will not give into the feather bed melons that they think upon me. I am the greatest living welcome anyone could ask of. (The second drink comes and she drinks it like the last one)